me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
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People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*