[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
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Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]