[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
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4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet