[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Noah was an idiot.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE