me as a parent
You Might Also Like
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
🙄😏😂🤣
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang