[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
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*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.