[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
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me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
This one’s “Alex”.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
6: are snakes just neck?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier