me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
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I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.