me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
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Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?