[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them