[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Cats (2019)
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
me and my fake scenarios
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks