ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
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MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.