[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
You Might Also Like
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now