me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
You Might Also Like
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead