@QwertyJones3

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

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@Whiteoutgirl33

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

@velweb

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

@sixfootcandy

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

@DanMentos

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

@gingerbrigade1

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

@Mr_goose007

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

@neiltyson

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

@vineyille

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

@Fickle_Filly

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.