[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass


12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?


Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.


[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities


Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.


The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.


While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.


If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.


The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.