[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
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I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
birds and squirrels envy us
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader