*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
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I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”