{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
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an octopus is just a wet spider
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
*lint rolls you awake*
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
When news reporters do sports stories
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane