Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
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*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Real House Wines.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..