ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
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When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Buying a well is money well spent.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb