Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
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My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.