“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
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They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I’m confused about plants
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I have a new favorite meme page
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone