Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
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We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
This is my favorite one of these!
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.