Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
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Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Warm pools make me nervous.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
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