Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
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Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Why I divorced her.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Rooting for the overdog
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.