me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
How times have changed.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.