me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
You Might Also Like
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.