ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
rapatouille
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back