ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
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Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”