Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Do one person every day that scares you.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring