Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
scared to check what name she chose
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic