Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
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My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
This checks out
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that