Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
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THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!