My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
You Might Also Like
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.