Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am