*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
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I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky