me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
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When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
fly smarter, not harder
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?