@AlexvanBeek EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
@ShesARealGenius Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
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@AlexvanBeek 
@FormerHumorist Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
@tiffanyaneal *checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
@ceejoyner wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
@Tmoney68 “Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
@shadygrenade Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
@IGN Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
@Skoog [being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
@fro_vo Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
@onion_an Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan