Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
me as a parent
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.