me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
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Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…