@UnicornSyrup

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

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@GenreFilmAddict

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

@RuffaloShuffle

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

@notalogin

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

@tastefactory

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

@abbycohenwl

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

@michimama75

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

@wildethingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

@RunwayDan

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

@That_Damn_Duck

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

@pharmasean

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave