@GenreFilmAddict I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
@UnicornSyrup Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
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@GenreFilmAddict 
@RuffaloShuffle Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
@notalogin *I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
@tastefactory Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
@abbycohenwl Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
@michimama75 Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
@wildethingy Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
@RunwayDan Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
@That_Damn_Duck I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
@pharmasean A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave