Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

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I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)


Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”


*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri


Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint


Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”


Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?


Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.


I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!


There, happy now? You cunts.


A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave