Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
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Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
He’s cranky this morning
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.