Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
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I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*Inspirational Tweets*
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”