Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
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The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
A short story of betrayal:
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.