Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
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“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday