me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.