@leyawn

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

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@MariyaAlexander

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

@dogfather

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

@ANastyGorilla

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

@LostCatDog

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

@sixthformpoet

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

@DanMentos

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

@girl_a_whirl

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

@KarenReneK

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

@MsLisaM

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.