me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
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My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
This is the best one I’ve seen
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!