Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
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Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
good work, everybody
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no