Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
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I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.