Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
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Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
#Caturday
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.