ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.