@bornmiserable

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

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@iwearaonesie

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

@StymieBrewer

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

@fro_vo

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

@LittleMissZesty

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

@TrophyCatas

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

@rickolantern

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

@baronvonbike

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.