[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
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My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain