@bornmiserable
@OnlyFastEddie Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
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@OnlyFastEddie 
@iwearaonesie Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
@StymieBrewer “It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
@fro_vo ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
@better_off_dad2 Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
@LittleMissZesty No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
@OIDontGiveAFuck Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
@TrophyCatas To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
@rickolantern [courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
@baronvonbike I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.