@

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

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Top uses for Golf Balls:
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2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

@velvettusk

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

@LizHackett

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

@aparnapkin

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

@WetzelGeek

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

@JoParkerBear

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

@peb671

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

@AndrewChamings

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels