[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

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Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf


If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.


My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.


“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.


Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news


What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?


Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.


Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.


MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels