[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
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You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Coffee for people with no kids
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
every single time
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.