Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

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Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?


M: Kill a man to defend you honor?


I was getting there.


ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!


*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!


Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.


My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.


*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!


Me running away: Renewed!


my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions


I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke