@XplodingUnicorn Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
@KeyLimeShy Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@thatsmelltho This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
@dorsalstream ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
@AmishSuperModel *gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
@NikiWithIssues Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
@Social_Mime My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
@BrandonVine *pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
@lisaxy424 my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
@SteveSuckington I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
@rockymomax FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke