Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it