[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
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i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Smile Twitter, Smile.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
how long have you had this for?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.