me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
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I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.